Humorous Analysis of Akatsuki

Uchiha Itachi: The only Akatsuki member who could ever hope to rival Deidara’s prettiness, fangirls immediately took to the older Uchiha because he is, quote, “OMYGAWD, SO SMEXY”. Originally loved for his cold and uber badass attitude, he has revealed himself to actually have devoted and sacrificed his life to caring for an unaware angsty teenage boy because he’s actually a total softie. This is known as “Severus Snape” syndrome, as is the aspect that many Itachi fans will tell you it’s SO obvious he still loved Sasuke and they knew it all along really…never mind those fics they wrote where he’s a vindictive bastard who rapes his brother.

Hoshigaki Kisame: Also known as “the fish guy with the bigass sword”, Kisame’s main role is to make sadistic remarks and follow Itachi around like his bitch. He does both these things quite well until Itachi dies, after which he just kind of sits at Akatsuki meetings smiling evilly as Kishimoto’s way of reassuring his fanbase he’s still alive. Kisame is a descendant of the famous shark from Jaws and his weapon of choice is his Giant Tampon of Doom. Fangirls love him because he’s ugly so there can be lots of angsty KisaIta fluff where he acts like an insecure teenage girl.

Iwahara no Deidara: Perhaps the most popular among fangirls because he looks just like one, Deidara is an “artist” with extra mouths on his hands that have inspired many a dirty comment. He holds a grudge against Itachi because the Uchiha once beat him in a contest to be in a L’Oreal commercial, and dies after seeing the ugliness of Sasuke’s chicken ass haircut. His partner is Sasori, and they often engage in arguments about what “true art” is in order to pass screen time.

Akasuna no Sasori: Is loved by fangirls because, like Deidara, he too is pretty, but not pretty enough to be uke, thus giving lots of Sasodei fun! He has a mental disorder that causes him to believe turning people into puppets is a good idea, but this rather disturbing factor of his nature is often overlooked in light of his “ultra smexy” eyes. His art is the subject of many a fanfiction, where he will feel all worried because everyone thought he was insane because he kills people for fun and preserves their bodies, but Deidara invariably accepts him because, let’s face it, anyone who gets that much joy out of blowing the shit out of people has a few mental problems of their own. Then they have wild butt sex, where Deidara is always uke.

Hidan: Loud, obnoxious, and a few beads short of a rosary, Hidan is a comic relief character despite the fact that he’s a raving lunatic with a grotesque religion. His ritual takes being emo to the extreme; stabbing himself in order to inflict pain on other people. His favorite bands are My Chemical Romance and Evanescence and his ritual is okay with fans because he’s super hot and doesn’t wear a shirt during it. Plus, the only person he kills is Asuma, who totally deserves it for being a ninja and smoking. He gets into loud fights with his partner, which the fangirls love almost as much as the ones Sasori and Deidara got into before they both got their asses killed. He ends up being blown into a billion pieces and buried in a forest infested with deer.

Kakuzu: Considered too unimportant to be given a last name, Kakuzu is Hidan’s partner and is only part of the series so Hidan has someone with which to  have rough masochistic sex with in fanfiction. No one ever goes into Kakuzu’s past because no one actually gives a crap. Kakuzu has five faces that can burst out of his back and keep him company when he gets lonely. He’s sexually attracted to money and despite having some of the strongest powers, dies faster than any other member of the Akatsuki, except perhaps Sasori. Sort of ironic how the “immortal” ones kick the bucket first.

Tobi: Fangirls love Tobi, usually because they only see the bouncy kid with a ridiculous mask and totally ignore the fact that he’s actually a crazy old man. He’s often paired up with Deidara by people who desperately want Deidara to have a chance at being seme, and is widely considered to be the most annoying and ADD Akatsuki. He was revealed to be Madara Uchiha, which put an unfortunate end to the numerous emotional arguments fans had on YouTube as to whether or not he was Obito. The main “proof”  for this argument seemed to be that if you say “Tobi” fast enough and enough times you start saying “Obito”, which admittedly makes more sense than some old coot hiding behind a lollipop mask.

Zetsu: Half plant and half mime, Zetsu’s role is to pop out of trees at random intervals and say something really obvious in order to move the story along. He then sort of melts back into the tree and waits for the next dip in the plot. He never fights anyone, but he does eat people so he’s earned his keep in the Akatsuki by having the appropriate level of freakiness. He also has an extreme case of multiple personality disorder that has remained untreated because he ate his therapist. He and Kisame are the only cool members of the Akatsuki left alive.

Nagato: The leader of the Akatsuki. Like every villain in Naruto he had a Tragic Past that makes it totally okay with fans for him to go around killing people. When his best friend died he reanimated his corpse with a jutsu and became anorexic in his grief; further proof that the members of Akatsuki are off their rockers. He makes lots of horrible puns about “pain” and after having a twenty minute conversation with Naruto GIVES UP on killing Kohona and dies. That’s right; after harboring a grudge against these people for decades after they kill his parents, his friend, and his dog, after taking all the time and effort to build an evil organization, after planning out and strategizing a way to wipe out this village, he just LETS HIMSELF DIE because some kid who’s too dumb to even make Chunin convinced him too in the amount of time it takes to make Ramen. This was Kishimoto’s pathetic way of saving his ass after trying to kill off Kakashi, because it gave him an excuse to bring him back and therefore keep millions of fangirls from murdering him in his bed.

Konan: The only female  member of the Akatsuki but still less pretty than Deidara, she is Nagato’s only remaining friend and has absolutely no personality. Her role is to say his name throughout the story in a concerned tone of voice, though if she REALLY cared about him she’d get the poor man a damn cheeseburger. Also, she gets taken hostage at the time that Nagato’s dog dies in order to create more drama in the story. Her existence is the only reason fans don’t insist that Pein’s gay, like they do with the rest of the Akatsuki.